I’m standing on the edge. The perfect primer for S.I.N. When I was 19 (everything was 19, it seemed a pivotal age in my life—a celebration of freedom and spiritual self-mutilation), some drama would occur and I would engage in self-inflicted nonsense. Bilal was good to me in the office, Faith killed me on the subway, Pink filled me at night. I searched for something to make me feel wonderful and dead. Not numb. Numbness is a padded wall between the act and the experience. Death means that during the act I could exist outside of my body, floating far enough above the intercourse of blood and pain that the act and the experience were two separate occurrences. The act and experience meant nothing to me. They were chemicals in a test tube, each stabilizing the other, giving each other purpose. Without purpose, alone, each are volatile and bitter. I want the separation.
He wants to cheer me. I resist. Death is smooth and sexy. Death smells like cognac and wears blue. Death is comfort. Understand. I want comfort. I resist. I have no will to fight it.
2 comments:
Interesting post. Another interesting thing is after reading some of your prior post I see that you're in Law School. I'm actually currently studying for the LSAT's. How has your experience been since that post in November?
~Damnit!
Law school sucks major ass. I wouldn't recommend it unless you're cool with entering a highly competitive environment, where everyone is worried about making the most money because the student loans to pay for that education will crush you. I'm really enjoying my summer because I'm learning practical things as opposed to legal theory where the wrong answer is any answer not endorsed by the professor. But I already started so I have to trudge thru and get that paper at the end of the hell. You just have to stay focused and not forget who you are. Law school can def make u forget who you are and why you went there to begin with.
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